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TrueElements

So, good reader, you have learned about the Internets and wish to get into this scene? Good on you! A whole world awaits you, and all you need is your passport. Today I will give you a short lecture on obtaining such a passport and what to do with it so as not to be immediately recognized as a newcomer to the Internets.

1. Get an ISP:

An ISP is important. Imagine going to the mall without a car. It'd take a long time, right? so you'd prefer to use your car. An ISP is nothing like that. Imagine that you have a lava-proof car and the mall is at the center of a volcano. There is your ISP. Without it, you cannot access the Internets! ... well, not without being melted nearly instantaneously by torrents of lava. And you wouldn't want that, would you?

Make sure your ISP is a well-known brand that all your friends recommend to you. I would suggest America Online, whose reliability is renowned worldwide. They even provide you with a custom AOL-only browser (you can only get this through AOL, would you want to miss out?!)!

But be careful, new web-user, there are different types of Internet packages. Do you see yourself using the Internet often? Do you see yourself downloading massive files, such as illegally ripped movies? Then what you need is Dialup. Dialup, instead of broadband, focuses on addressing the needs of the morally corrupt, and thus provides super-massive download capabilities, which can deal you those massive files in almost an instant. But be warned! Your ISP may advise you to get Broadband or Cable, but these are second-best: they don't want everybody to be using their super Dialup, do they? That would cause their servers all kinds of havoc! But you know the truth, so take no shit from AOL: demand Dialup today!

2. Get an e-mail account:

Now that you have your car for going inside the volcano of the Internets, you'll need a letterbox. Why? Because without a letterbox, companies who wish to give you great deals on penis- and breast-enlargement devices will find it difficult to contact you! You could be saving $$$s this very instant if only you had your letterbox of the Internets!

But calm down, please. This problem is easy to solve. Your ISP may have provided you with an e-mail account, in which case use that. Anybody who sees you using an account with @aol.com at the end will instantly respect you for your amazing choice of ISP and resounding knowledge of how the Internet functions. If, however, you cannot figure out how to use your AOL e-mail, or perhaps are with an ISP who does not provide you with e-mail at all (which means the ISP is of especial quality, as they concentrate all their server power on giving you the best of Dialup!), then there is an alternative choice: Hotmail!

Ever seen Café Nero's, or whatever that place is called? It looks really hip from the outside, no? Then you go in, and it's expensive, and the food tastes like shit. Damn. Hotmail's nothing like that. Firstly, Hotmail is free: secondly, Hotmail doesn't give you any food. But don't be turned off by that, fellow American; you can eat stuff from your fridge whilst browsing your Hotmail, it's that easy!

When choosing a name for your Hotmail account, you must be aware of Internet conventions. Those 'in the know' have e-mail addresses starting and ending with xx, possibly with a random string of numbers appended to the end. Make sure the center of your e-mail address, the most important part per se, is a compound of two nouns, one melodramatic and the other cute, so as to exemplify your attitude towards life. Life sucks, but I am cute! e.g. xxsorrowkittenxx214@hotmail.com. With such an e-mail address, your friends will stand back in awe: this is a person with true knowledge of how the Internets function!

3. Get a messenging program:

Anybody who is anybody in the Internet scene spends vast amounts of time talking on messenging programmes such as MSN, AIM, and Y! There're some shitty alternatives, ICQ, Jabber and Trillian, but you can safely ignore these, as they're most likely riddled with SPYWARE and VIRUSES anyway! (See step four.) So, what is, you may ask, a messenging program? Instant Messenging, the brainchild of Bill Gates himself, allows people from across the globe to chat instantaneously, through using super-Dialup devices riddled through the backbone of the Internets themselves! This piece of ingenuity allowed President Bush to declare war on Iraq without meeting any Iraqis at all; all he had to do was log on to his computer! Would you like to declare war on backward countries simply for the sake of media-popularity? Yes? Then get an Instant Messenging program!

You should be aware that Yahoo Instant Messenger is by far the most popular messenging service online, with over seventeen continents alone using it, and several small islands, too. For this reason, you should avoid it! Terrorists will try to use Yahoo Instant Messenger to infect your system with 'Trojan Horses', which are horrible, huge wooden devices, which when opened inside your computer, emit an army of small Asians who'll quickly break all your microchips. You cannot allow this to happen!

Which is why you must get the least popular of all the messenging devices, MSN. If you have a Hotmail account, you'll be all ready to go! Just download the program from the helpful folk at Microsoft and log in with your e-mail letterbox details.

This, however, is only the beginning. Now that you have MSN, you'll be wanting to gain contacts to add to your Messenging lists, no? You should be looking for intelligent, interesting people, who'll complement your own already evident excellence: the best place to find these is Face Party. Face Party is a site where the cleverest, most popular people of the Internets come together to show how ugly they are on webcam. Add them to your list, and get chatting!

But perhaps you need a guide to chatting yourself? The Internets isn't like writing letters (we of the Internets name such things snailmail, because of how indescribably slow it is, LOL!) or phoning a friend, it is a whole new medium of conversation, and certain rules must be followed lest you be shunned like the black plague itself!

1. Abbreviate, abbreviate, abbreviate!

Perhaps the most important rule of Internets-chatting: whenever a word or phrase can be shortened, it must! You are no longer going to be right back because you're going to the toilet; you're 'brb goin 2 pis'. See the majesty in that sentence-construction? Something that normally would have taken maybe almost EIGHT words took only FOUR. The Internet is a busy place, but with abbreviations you can keep on top of all the your messenging, e-mailing and hentai-browsing!

2. Webcamming!

If you don't already have a webcam, buy one. You need a webcam when you're chatting online. Nothing is more off-putting when chatting to somebody to find out that they won't let you see their face. What if you're a pedophile?! If you don't want to be persecuted for looking at kiddy porn, you've got to get yourself hold of a webcam. Then, once you have a webcam, you turn it on, your friend turns it on, and you stare at each other grinning. Why, you might ask, would you want to do that? In real life you don't stare and grin at people when talking to them unless you're either retarded or on E, so why do it on the Internets? BECAUSE THE INTERNETS IS DIFFERENT, STUPID.

3. Laughter!

Some say laughter is the music of the soul. Others say ... er. Well, I don't know what others say about laughter, but the point is, the Internets is a funny place, and you've got to laugh a lot. Even when what the other person wasn't at all funny or even MEANT to be funny, you have to laugh. An example is included below:

xxtearfulgnuxx42@hotmail.com says:
hey lol
proofdattherapydontwork@hotmail.com says:
lol hi how r u?
xxtearfulgnuxx42@hotmail.com says:
lol
proofdattherapydontwork@hotmail.com says:
lol

4. Get viruses-protection programs:

This is essential to your Internets-browsing. The Internets is a horrible place, filled with wicked el1t3 haxx0rz (who type with numb3rs r3pl4c1ng l3770R'Z and WiTh AlTeRnAtInG cApItAlS), who wish to hijack your computer so that they can take advantage of your wonderful super Dialup connection! Firstly, you need to find a way to hide your IP, which is a secret codeword which gives somebody full access to your computer!!! The best way to do this is to actually demand from your ISP that they remove your IP from their servers. Phone them up, take no shit, and demand it. Your ISP most likely sympathises with hackers, as half the staff itself will be hackers! They, after all, created the Internets, so they know how to get all the stuffs they need! Secondly, you'll need a viruses-deleter, which you must pay a monthly fee for. This is unavoidable. No free virus-protection programs exist. Thankfully, a nerdy ex-haxx0rz named Norton (see, nerd's name) made a program called ANTI-VIRUS, which means it's AGAINST viruses (clever, huh?). Go to your local Tiny store and purchase a copy now!

5. Download porn:

This is, after all, the purpose of the Internets. The haxx0rz who made it are utterly unable to get laid in real life due to their total nerdiness and that their faces are covered in zits and blemishes and other grotesqueries that I won't gross you out by writing here but yes. Using their super pixelation devices, these haxx0rz produce all kind of erotic fantasies, which can be found through your local porn-searcher, such as those deviants at Google. You can't write Google without GOO, right? And we all know what GOO that is.

Anyhow, thanks to my guide, you're rearing to go, I don't doubt. Enjoy your time 'online', and try to go out sometime and get laid instead of WASTING YOUR LIFE OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING—

Xieliand

what the hell did i just read -.-

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TrueElements

How..to use the internets.....?

Oisterboy

Well.....I lol'd.

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MoonLight21

I thought it would be educational so I read it.. I dont know how to use internet.. hahaha and now I also know whats the use of ISP LOL.. why did he even put that here.

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Veron

Tell me was this really necessary?

If not, please cut your toe nails

Urahara

I only find this useful.

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Darkspine

I agree.. :P

words?

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