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TaikoxKashi

This is a tale of when i went to the hospital a while ago.

God wants me dead. I pissed him off. Pissed him off good. I don't know what sent him over the edge. Maybe it was my off-colour, sacreligious sense of humour. Maybe it was all of the times i've faked sick. Whatever it was, one thing is clear - the great skyfairy wants hardcore vengeance, and he wants it now. Let's educate you on whats happened so far. If you don't want to read, I'll summarise it for you in the next two words.

Get lost.

November 4th

I wake up at 4:30am feeling like my kidneys hijacked bulldozers and went apeshit on my abdomen. I assume I am either really **** hungry, or constipated to the max. I stumble to the kitchen, grab a peach, take a dump, and go back to bed. I feel slightly better.

I wake up again at 6:30. Something's definitely up. My kidneys; unsatisfied with the carnage caused by bulldozers; have commandeered tanks and started burning down the Reichstag that is my middle half. I am in serious pain. In my infinite wisdom, I decide to ignore it, still thinking I might just be hungry or constipated.

It's now 10:30. Screw school, I'm not going; not while my organs are having a civil war. I drive up to the medical centre and take a seat. "There'll be a two hour wait - the doctors running late," she says. I'm in severe pain by now.

It's 11:30. Sitting up is getting unbearable. I ask to lie down on a bed somewhere, and the receptionist lady obliges. Angry geriatrics envy my special treatment. I feel powerful.

It's 12:00 or sometime, when bang. Holy mother **** of shit. Raw, intense pain. Someone just Nagasaki'ed my bowel. A doctor comes in and watches me writhe in pain. He asks, "Are you ok?" I reply, "My stomach is on fire." He pushes on my abdomen, then my lower right abdomen. I nearly go catatonic and grip his hand. Wup-wow.

Maybe ten minutes later I'm in an ambulance with a morphine needle in my bum. Morphine is great. I remembered the old people's faces of disgust at my special treatment. It makes me smile. All is good in the world.

I rock up to hospital. A doctor comes and assesses me. He is not happy. He has a monobrow though, so I need not respect him. I get more drugs. I go to sleep.

I wake up and its night. Monobrow tells me they've called in the surgeon from dinner with her husband to do emergency surgery on my appendix which has ruptured and caused perotonitis. 10% mortality rate in healthy patients. Good, I like a challenge.

I am prepped for surgery. Nurses wheel me into the operating theatre late that night. Just before my bed enters the operating room, an attending stops me. She says they havn't done the pre-check on my details. She checks my wrist band. It says Mrs Finch, Jessica. "Mrs Finch, Jessica" has no allergies. Lucky her. I on the other hand, am deathly allergic to penicillin. Penicillin had been put on my treatment schedule. They take another ten minutes to correct things. My confidence is not great. My last words to the attending doctors is, "I'm glad someone knows what they're doing." I recognise a monobrow above one of the attending's masks. I smile. I don't even feel the anasthethic. I go to sleep.

November 5th

I wake up early in the morning. It is around 5am. I feel sleepy as shit. Someone is standing above me. It takes me a few seconds to make sense of the face. It's an ex-girlfriend's mum wearing a nurses uniform. Then it hits me.

She's going to smother me with a pillow...****

My eyes close again and I fall back asleep. I had survived. Boy was I on a roll.

It's 9am. The operating doctor comes to see me. She says she removed widespread infection covering my entire mid section with a particularly bad infection in parts of my abdomen and kidney. Apparently, my left kidney was displaced so as to be directly adjacent to the perforation where the infection originated. Smooth move God you cunning bastard. Luckily for me, my other kidney was having a picnic up north during the whole ordeal. You're fault for giving me two you sneaky son of a *****.

12 hours from death she estimates. Groovy, I feel pretty good. "That's because you have morphine in your drip." Fantastic. Bring me some pie and I will be content.

The doctor leaves. I fall asleep.

It is mid afternoon. A nurse is changing my canular. A canular is the big tube in your arm that the drip connects to. I watch her take it off and replace it with a new canular. She then leaves. I turn away and fall asleep.

Woops. She didn't put the valve on. Bad, bad girl.

You see, veins have valves. This stops blood from flowing backwards in your body. Essentially, the liquid in my drip stopped going in and blood started coming out.

A good half hour later a nurse walks in. She wakes me and runs out the room. I have a quick look around and glance my bed. It is soaked in blood. It's soaked through my clothes, through my sheets, through the mattress. Everything. My left arm is stained entirely on one side. I lift my arm and leave an arm print of white. The nurses come back. Goodbye consciousness. To sleep again I go.

---

That's as much as I'll type for now. Things to come include psycho nurses trying to kill me, falling down in the shower, a near car crash, a run in with a different ex girlfriend's mum's psycho new boyfriend, a run in with a bicyclist on meth and a bus crash.

I shit you not, all of this will be explained. God wants me dead. Read at your own risk. You have been warned.

-- MOAR

November 6th

I wake up. I am not bleeding or dying. This makes me happy. I look out the window. I shrink back into my pillow. God's just getting warmed up.

The nurses bring me jelly and only jelly. It is all I can eat. Jelly begins to become the nutritional equivalent of abortion. It is the disastrous mess of what was once sweet sweet glucose. I am taken off the morphine. This saddens me. I am given a different painkiller.

I have it in my hands and think to ask the nurse what it has in it.

"Penicillin."

Great. Why not arsenic? Maybe a dash of cyanide? Hey let's just fire an RPG point-blank into my cerebellum and call it a **** day. I once again remind them I will die if I have penicillin.

"But it says you're not allergic."

Really? Shit me. And to think I've been misinformed all these years. I'm glad the people who had me undergoing surgery as a married woman of 40 odd years are on the ball with their clip boards. In that case just put the tablet in my drip. Maybe I'll have a stroke, and maybe you'll have a stroke of common **** sense. Everybody wins.

It's night time. I have visitors. Visitors makes me happy. A queer and weird nurse enters the room and tells me I need a heparin needle. It's a blood thinner which prevents deep vein thrombosis. Sounds good to me. She interjects in the conversation with a god-awful joke. I comment, "Sorry, that one went over my head." She is not impressed and gives us all a funny look. As she's leaving, I make a comment about her strangeness. Out of the blue she says, "I heard that," and just stares at me.

Then she left without incident.

No, as if that could happen. God's **** aggro remember? She turns off the light and closes the door and says "fine". The whole room plunges into darkness. I'm serious. She left me in a hospital bed with my visitors in pitch black darkness like you'd expect an eleven year old would.

"Weren't you meant to get a needle?" says my friend.

Oh yeah. Lookin' forward to that puppy now.

My friend's stumble around and find the light switch, muttering about this nurse.

November 7th

It is lunch time. I am excited. I am getting soup. It may as well be RPA-Christmas. The boy scouts bring me an Easter egg. It's a nice gesture. I decide I'll save the egg until after the soup. It will be the ultimate Easter feast for one. I intend to enjoy every last moment of it.

Bad move.

My ex girlfriend's mum who works at the hospital comes in.

"No no, you can't have any chocolate whatsoever."

She walks out the door cradling my egg. It breaks my heart to see it go. It really does. I can feel the depression in the back of my brain.

But then, in comes the lunch lady. I sit up as best I can. She has a tray. On the tray is more abortion-jelly. **** that though, because underneath a heat bowl is some chicken broth. I can see it steaming slightly from around the edges. It is liquid ecstasy. I want it. I want it now.

I smile at the lunch lady setting up my tray as the nurse enters. It is here, at the eleventh lunch hour, that I **** up something terrible.

--

I'm done for a bit, i'll type more later.

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TheSkald

You sir, are a gentleman, a scholar, a poet, a storyteller, a scientist, a priest, an offical, a professor, a historian, a doctor, a guru, and a director.

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DarkAztaroth

I wonder where you live, your hospital seems to be pretty cheap...Good luck dude, too bad I can't hand you my lucky charm (it's acually a semi-precious stone I like xD)

But man... did you walk and break a mirror under a haunted ladder and step on a 4 leaf clover while wearing a tshirt with 13 written on it on the 13 of this month ?

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TaikoxKashi

Does anyone know how to spell that one P medicine word?

it's something like penisillin? or something?

the painkiller?

by the way, i'm fine now.

nevermind, found out how to spell it lol

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jaydude

Sue their ***! That many incidents dayum!

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sidimazz

Sorry to rain on your parade.



The same stories on diffrent websites at diffrent years. Fake.

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jaydude

That son of a female dog!

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sidimazz

Jaydude got an xfire?

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jaydude

Meh yea, i barely game anymore though, Its veggetoss2

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sidimazz

go on ...............

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