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V-Opolis

I picked back up on my step work from rehab.

I have incredible issues talking to/reading people. I have a hard time speaking up in the AA meetings. Ive said zero words in 3 weeks at this particular AA meetinghouse. Going to a place where I know zero people, is already miles past my comfort zone.

I dont have a sponsor, and I dont really talk in AA I just listen. I may ask about it tomorrow. Ill see how it goes. Not so much an issue of lack of ballage, just an awkward feeling/inablity to talk[ing] about what is talked about in meetings.

So I am trying to make ammends with everyone, but Ive run into a issue. A girl I need to make ammends with and I didnt really have a positive experience. zero positive, ziclhe not any, horribly negative. Its was quite rough the entire time. ended with me saying im done, dont talk to me anymore, and her saying Never contact me again. But drunkenly I contacted her once about a month later, she never responded.Would this be one of those times "except when to do so would injure them or others". Do I keep her wish of not contacting her? What exactly do they mean by injure them?

Trying to figure out if this one is worth trying or if I need to just let it go, and leave her alone.

Debating on if I will ask help in AA tomorrow. I can deal with amending with the people, but involving people I dont know, IRL, doesnt really strike me as something Im willing to do unless I absolutely have to. Incredibly awkward for me. I cant speak in front of 20-60 people and keep my mind on track and be coherent.

Its gonna be rough doing these amends...like it may kill me(joke) but Im told I need to, so I wanted to start with the hardest/most confusing one to get it out of the way.

Not really sure what to say either... having to talk to someone about personal stuff, feelings blah blah AND apologize AND be willing to do anything in return.

So what Im looking for is; Did anyone hurt someone or have someone hurt them, then later you/them came back to make amends about the situation? Did trying to make amends do anything positive for you/them, or did it have a negative effect on you/them?

This is about them, not me. My intent has to create peace for them first, me secondly. If it will hurt them to create amends, but hurt me not to, I have to go with the second option.

I know I repeated myself like 10,000,000 times, but this whole step and process is awkward to me. I just bottle and deal. This whole expressing how you feel, what happened, amending is completely new to me. Incredibly nerve wracking to. But its something I have to do so Im not back to coke and shit so I'm gonna deal the best I can.

olaph

The best way to overcome this is by going further out of your comfort zone and actually speak up. That's why we have challenges such as these, so we can overcome them and grow as a person because of it.

I would attempt to contact her and make it known you are making amends for your actions, you will find she will be more inclined to actually let you talk to her because you are accepting your actions were out of hand and are truly apologizing for how you acted.

Asking for help is actually a show of strength, it is hard for anybody to accept they struggle with something and ask for the help they need.

It will be hard, but as is anything that makes you grow as a person.

No one generally knows what to say in those situations, which is why it is a good idea to have a think about it and even write out an apology as it will go along way to help with the worry of saying the wrong thing.

We have all hurt someone and I have attempted to make amends, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, you won't know until you try and at the end of the day it is up to them whether they accept your apology or not.

Even if they get upset or angry it is still creating peace, you may feel like crap(and probably deserve it) but in doing the right thing you are at least being at peace with yourself which will allow you to move on with your life.

Just "Bottling and deal" is actually incredibly unhealthy and as you have seen leads to some un wanted consequences.

It is also worth mentioning that you have nothing to fear about opening up to complete strangers(especially when they are there for similar reasons), hell you know you are doing it now right

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V-Opolis

well, IRL is a little different than online.

So you think its worth a try, and that it wont do more harm than good to her?

bold - that cant be my intent. I cant do it to create peace with myself foremost. It cant be selfish. It has to be to create peace for the person your amending to with you. In creating peace for them, you create peace for yourself. But in some cases, you shouldn't contact them, and you have to find it yourself.

So if Im told to **** off, it still creates peace for them?

olaph

Not really, you are still talking to real people anonymously, the only real difference is at the meeting they will know what you look like.

They will also be in a better position to actually help you.

Making amends for your actions and apologizing never does more harm then good, unless you don't actually mean it.

The bolded part is what I was referring to, you're already there to make amends so it's pretty safe to say you aren't trying to be seflish.

You should expect some people to be angry at you, however if you let them get it off their chest, they will 9 times of 10 feel better and actually listen to what you want to say.

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V-Opolis

I decided to just let this ride. Someone made a comment about amends being for people you hurt who are still in your life. And to just let those who left to live their life. This is all very confusing.

olaph

I'd imagine it would be, personally I would at least try and apologize to her, but I guess it depends on if you feel like it is worth it.

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V-Opolis

ahhh, I have no idea. I tried apolgizing to my friends but basically got a "shut up, forgave you before you even did it, we understand" type stuff. So I guess those went fine. No wonder I took a break, shits confusing me.

I guess I need to ask in AA...Ive been getting mixed answers.

Gurenbanka

I personally think you should always make amends.

If you did something wrong, you should always apologize unless you had a very important reason to do it.

And yeah it was too long to read. . Only read the part that was in bold.

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olaph

That's because the only one who knows the right answer is you.

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Ronin

If you ever were intimate with her: No.

Otherwise: Maybe.

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