Virgin Battle

Blood rushes to my head
My heart climbs to my throat
Now the order is heard
"Charge!"
No choice but to run
One step after another
Fear now

I hear swift arrows
Comrades drop in agonizing screams
Fear has grown to terror
Every breath now laborious
Every thought frantic
Could this be my last?
We reach the first line

Staring straight into pale faces
It seems that terror is abound
Luck is the deciding factor
Young men, just boys murder
Satan's spirit fills the air
Waiting for those yet to die
Tormenting the first few

A burning sensation in my gut
Inner juices spill out
The dagger of my death
Covered in my final stand
A beastly howl escapes
Darness taking over
The victorious face of my killer fades
Last thoughts now
A calm resignation

----

Dying moments

Young men just left home
Mothers and sweethearts left behind
They law now in this blood soaked
God forsaken chaos.
Gasping for their final breaths
Parched mouths screaming for mana
Bones exposed to the harsh sun
Eyes crusting over
Daggers lay tauntingly out of reach
A swift death evading
Suffering is abundant
This is man's way.

---

Invisible

I walk unnoticed
Quiet, hidden
In plain sight
I am invisible
Yet I am different.

Comments please. I want to improve.

...
...
I am invisible
Yet I am different.

Comments please. I want to improve.
I dunno. I liked them.
Although, "I am invisible/Yet I am different" is kind of iffy. I don't suppose you took into account that the fact that one is invisible makes them already different. lol

On a scale going up to 10, i'd have to say 5.

It seems to be very free hand, I'm not expecting it to rhyme but it doesn't really flow well. Also on the first one, "Virgin Battle", the line "Fear now" is inconsistent, if not just plain unneccessary or even conflicting. It would make more sense to put something like "Legs ready to buckle". (Just trying to give constructive criticism)

And you wouldn't "hear swift arrows", sorry, i'm being real critical but just be careful with your descriptions, to perfect it, it really has to make more sense. I didn't really like the "Comrades drop in agonizing screams" line either, that also could be clarified a bit.

"We reach the first line" was thrown in and isn't consistent with the stanza. It should be added at the beginning of another stanza.

Line 23, "Inner juices spill out" needs to be scrapped or rewritten as well. As well as "Last thoughts now". Give or take a few more lines in the first one.

Now for "Dying Moments"
The first line could be rewritten, the third line as well. What do you mean by "A swift death evading"?


"Invisible" could be better, i know you could do better than that, dude.
It's alright but you seem to be rushing through this a bit. If you really want them to be really good you have to think of a theme to your poem, then right line by line, or if you want, just write it freehand and go back and work on each line to make it coherent and beautiful. Perfect it. Don't just go with a rough draft. You have to expect yourself to do better.

I dunno. I liked them.
Although, "I am invisible/Yet I am different" is kind of iffy. I don't suppose you took into account that the fact that one is invisible makes them already different. lol

He Probably meant invisible as blending in with the crowd, the scene.

He Probably meant invisible as blending in with the crowd, the scene.
Ah, you're probably right. It totally didn't occur to me at all. Lol

Packing my thoughts in my taxi driven suit case
(journey wasted memories, stage one begins)
Unforgiven, unforgetable, flashbacks of faded words need a replace
(stage two let's give in)
Calander dated dates you mark me down for
No time for the Memo place me under 'forever'
(stage three i think i can live on)
Very hard to breathe, forgotten how to let go
I will be you're comfort, warmth from head to toe

Menice captured in a cacoon full of metal sheeted poems
Carved by the words from my tongue to screeched depression

I hunger for more, but guilt is my phantom
Purity in the heart of a cupid will heal me of his welcome

open the door to the taxi named crisis
I'm leaving my past behind.

Luke and Tommy: You guys both had some good potential with those poems, except you're cutting syllables here and there. If you work those out, it would flow a lot better.

The Brave

And the brave stand alone and together.
They stand still and listen.
Drink from the eternal ether
And howl to the shadowy moon.

They face the beast alone
Hold their souls with iron fingers.
May we consume what's done
And be left for whatever lingers.

They salvage what is left
of the undieing roots.
Restrained from selfish theft
of the cursed stolen loots.

May the godly sins be forgiven
May their souls be maimed.
May their legends be believed in
Arrows to their hearts are aimed.

And the brave now lay down
Forgotten in the dirty lands.
True legends will never die
They shall resurface from the sands.

By Me.

Since we are now posting poems that we wrote...

Untitled

Stumbling along at a feverish pace
The sand insists, "I will win this battle."
Though it feels good to let go
[You must push further,
Adapt to the conditions.]
"The war isn't over."

Skin blistering from the heat
The sun beats down
Like a hammer to an anvil
Though this anvil won't break
Into the earth
It can still sink further.

Cottonmouth is a joke now
A mirage appears
Beauty has been sculpted
Right before my eyes
Transfixed on the dream
A smile finally appears

Paced with hope
The strides become robust
Time passes before it begins to burn in
Like following your own shadow
With every step taken
It recedes in sync.

In a desert so arid
Life still thrives
Though the mirage is out of reach
The legs continue
Only will they stop
when you allow them to.

-Me

Crappy but whatever. That's a bit how I write my poetry.