What sort of advice would you give this person?

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  1. #1
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    Default What sort of advice would you give this person?

    My friend has fallen in lust with this guy she's known for a little over a month. She claims she thinks about him constantly and yearns for him when they're apart. He apparently can't resist her and likes her as well, but the thing is, he also likes another woman. She knew this when she got into the relationship. He expressed he didn't want to hurt her and that he would leave her if the other woman ever decided to be with him, but my friend is confident the other woman wouldn't pursue him. However, this still means she's not the first person in his heart, but it doesn't mean she might never be.

    I think this is quite normal in relationships. You are forced to break-up and you must go on, with pre-existing feelings. I also was in love with another guy when I dated my ex, but eventually fell in love with my ex and completely extracted the other douche from my heart. However, there is another dilemma. Sometimes her BF brings up the other woman when he speaks of his traumatic past. She listens and tries to be patient with him because he's dissecting and analyzing his hurtful past with her, but that doesn't make it any less painful for her. Secretly, she's bottling up emotions she doesn't know how to release in a calm, healthy manner. She confides in me, but I also don't know what to say to her.

    What advice would you give her? I'd like to avoid break-up advice pls. Not only is that an immensely awkward and heartbreaking conversation, but I firmly believe couples can work through most issues with an open-mind. If they can get through this dramatic issue, it'll likely only strengthen their bond.

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    Wait, so she got into the relationship, knowing that the guy would leave her the minute the other woman came back? It bothers her a little bit when she hears him talking about her? Uhh... okay.
    She's bottling up her feelings, but what kind of feelings are they? Is she hurt? Jealous? Depressed? Mad at the guy? Mad at the girl?

    Has she tried telling the guy how she feels about this?

    I dunno, I feel like you're putting yourself in a bad spot once you decide to get into a relationship with someone who's willing to ditch you for another person. If I were your friend, I'd break up with him. If your friend and him absolutely, positively, can't resist each other, then she can let him know that once he completely lets go of his previous feelings, they can try it out again. I'd never do this whole, 'we can get back together' thing, but you don't really want break-up advice, and this is the closest thing to non-breakup that I can think of atm.
    Last edited by Kamilla; 12-06-2013 at 05:34 PM.

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    It is completely unfair to have a girl on standby. I suppose if your friend knew this going into the relationship, its more her fault than his...if they've only known each other for a month, and she already doesn't know how to communicate her frustrations and feelings with him...it seems like shes lying to herself. No self respecting person should allow themselves to knowingly be a temporary boy/grirlfriend.

    Can you ever really have any feeling of security knowing that it only takes the decision of a third party to end your relationship? I know you just said "no breakup advice", but its important - VERY important to ground her on this. Offer some sense of reality. It's not fair to sit through and help someone emotionally heal only to be shit on down the line when they feel confident enough to move on. I've been there done that, and its gotta be the worst thing I've ever been through.

    I guess its OK to have a little hope here, but you really need to stress keeping herself in check. She needs to stand up for herself a little bit and let him know how she feels. Why put yourself through that for nothing?

    Sorry if this post is jumbled a little. I'm trying to watch the end of a movie and type this at the same time lol.


    Dunny 2014 Updated 10/19

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    Tbh, this pendulum can swing both ways. She should just be GGG. The only way to find out if being a couple works out is by giving it a shot. Being a couple has only one condition: No other conditions.
    She can have her sex w/e thing if she wants but that is not a relationship.
    So I would tell her to not allow him to call her girlfriend, don't get cute, "keep her bags packed", don't move her toothbrush to his place and all the other little things that supposedly signify that a relationship is going on. At this point she is giving him more than enough already. She can be there for him, even emotionally, but she should define that a relationship is something else.

    Also he is kinda a dick anyways...
    Shes equally to blame...

    Sounds like a lot of work...
    Last edited by Ronin; 12-06-2013 at 05:20 PM.

    Stay frosty.

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    He is a dick ... but she is not that good if she lets herself fall in love with someone like him ... But i guess its life and i think there is no advice which would help but still i would ask her ...

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    Yea, well, the most interesting part is how delusional the idea is that "external factor person" will eventually come around.

    "Hey, you know I used this girl as a substitute, so it's no big deal... If you want to break us up, all you have to do is ask. I am having a creepy sort of crush on you anyways. You have my Nr, but XY and me are going home now, because shes so needy and wants it."

    I knew a girl once that I really really liked, but after she pulled that kind of stunt (years and years ago), she was deader than dead to me. If I knew someone who was setting something up like this so obviously and I wasn't super into that person before, I would extract him/her from my circle of acquaintances completely.
    That's just stupid, shady rotten bull, that doesn't make any sense.

    On the other hand I am a person that doesn't settle and that takes love way too serious, more serious than it is...
    Last edited by Ronin; 12-06-2013 at 05:36 PM.

    Stay frosty.

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    Thanks for the advice. I've considered each response.

    Her decision may be stupid, but she is not stupid. I'm fairly certain she is well aware of the consequences of her choice and prepared for the worst outcome if it should happen. This is her only qualm. I don't really feel it is enough basis to end a relationship that is pretty happy otherwise. As previously mentioned, you can't possibly know how successful a relationship will be until it is experienced. She would not have pursued him if she didn't feel so strongly. The only thing that could possibly separate them as of right now (that she is aware of) is the other woman, the other woman who may never actually interfere.

    If he still loves the other woman a year from now, yes, I can completely understand breaking up. That's an unnecessary pain to keep long-term. But she is not psychic. Much of life is based on risk; relationships are always a risk, no matter how big or small. Should we quit our desires because we reach an obstacle hard to maneuver!?

    What I've gathered from this advice and my own conclusion is she should keep her heart at a distance, but not so far they can't have a mutually happy relationship. And don't give away herself too freely, especially if there is no reciprocation.

    <Insert positive music here.>





    TY for your contribution, Miley.

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    OK, yeah, thats fair enough. But really, keeping oneself reserved for a while and retaining the ability to break it off in the future if her significant other is still infatuated with another woman is important. I guess it's okay for the time being...but, I'm not sure at what point it stops being acceptable to look the other way on that. You said a year, that is reasonable I guess. It'd still bother me I think.


    Dunny 2014 Updated 10/19

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    Just tell her everything and the truth about that guy. If she still insists, just let her go and make her learn by experience.

    Sometimes its impossible to change everyone, even the one closest to you.

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    She's wasting her time and so is he. No offense to either of them.
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