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Thread: [Serious] Oh look, relationship advice required once again

  1. #1
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    Default [Serious] Oh look, relationship advice required once again

    I'll just copy/paste what I wrote already before

    Been together for 2 months. We met sometime at the end of June this year. She's been a pretty big mess in the past and up until we met she's been with at least 4 different guys together and basically just bouncing from one to another after she finally left her abusing boyfriend who was beating and raping her. She also has a kid from said abusing boyfriend but that is not an issue for me and the child doesn't play a role in my decision making but he obviously does play a role in her decision making.

    All of these previous boyfriends from this past half year have been just a couple week hoop-ups at best because she was obviously desperate and didn't know what to do with a child less than a year old in her hands.


    So then we met and things have been drastically more different than it was with her previous bfs. After a month or so we really got close and fell in love and could really see a future with her because she is just the sweetest and most kind person there ever is, just misguided and lost (how I saw things). She also felt very close to me and was really loving and caring, the things you can only dream of. Soon I will be an owner of my own apartment and naturally the preposition to move in with me has been discussed and she's psyched out of her mind and happy about that.


    But here is the problem. Knowing her past many other guys she's been with before and some totally random unknown numbers have been hitting on her and she's been texting them back regularly. I thought she will have reason and just ignore every single one of them. Unfortunately these guys have been texting her up until yesterday when I decided to check the messages from them while she was taking a shower.


    Surely enough the guy she just exchanged messages with was hitting on her. What was heartbreaking was that her responses were these:
    "I've always wanted you but didn't know you wanted me back too";"I've had the best sex with you in my entire life";"Sure I would like to meet with you for a little massage". The guy lives 2 hour drive away from this city and no guy will ride 2 hours just for a "massage".


    I've confronted her with this and she has been speechless for half-day. She doesn't have anything to say but how sorry she is and it won't happen again, she has never been so happy before and she finally feels like she has crawled out of her "boyfriends bouncing hell".
    She cried out an ocean when I tried to talk to her about this but I don't know how I can trust her. Who says it won't happen again in 2 months, 6 months or a year?


    I am faced with a tough decision whether to continue and try to save the relationship with her or break up with her. I am torn because I don't want to live with a person knowing in the back of my head that she may be cheating on me with god knows who, but It's also hard for me to break up with her because she is just the sweetest thing on this planet.

    I honestly don't know what to do.


    tl;dr: GF arranging a hook-up with another guy behind my back and now tries to salvage our relationship when I found out about them. She is really sorry but I am having a tough time to trust her again and I don't know whether to break up with her or try to save things.

    EDIT: Let me clarify that she didn't cheat on me with that guy. They were attempting to arrange a hook-up down the road, several weeks later.

    I am looking for opinions, I am not looking for someone to make a decision for me but right now I am considering break-up.


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    just keep an eye on it for now. activate super spy mode!

    some people are just flirty.

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    Just saw a study that agrees with the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' idea. If you're partner has cheated on someone once they are apparently 3.5 times more likely to cheat on a later partner.
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    Marc, she was planning on cheating on you in the first place. Don't turn a blind eye. Only now that she was caught with the arrangement, she's trying to salvage whatever relationship you two had because the realization of "losing something good" is becoming a reality. She can't have the cake and eat it too. I don't condone cheating or even the thought of it, which she has been doing regularly. This is a no-brainer and you know what you have to do. If you do decide to stay with her, the trust you had for her no longer exist.
    Last edited by The Great Beyond; 08-27-2014 at 02:27 PM.

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    Im so glad ill never be in a relationship. People cheating how low can you go. Any ways people disgust me ill stick to my self. My self the only one i trust
    You guys here are some of the most stupid and insulting people out there. I say to you all fuc.k you all. I am really tired of you guys judging me and thinking your above me. Only god can judge me. Later all. Enjoy your onrpg . I come here and be nice to you guys and yet you choose to call me names. Thats fine i dont need you all any more. Bye

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    Quote Originally Posted by Z0MBiE View Post
    just keep an eye on it for now. activate super spy mode!

    some people are just flirty.
    Sorry, but this really doesn't count as being "just flirty."

    She is obviously comprising the boundaries of a normal relationship.

    But yes, from a neutral view, everyone "deserves" a second chance.
    It'll be hard trusting her but to be honest the decision of breaking up is up to you - if you don't think you can trust her, then just break-up.
    "Should've known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do.
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    Quote Originally Posted by halloeve View Post
    ill stick to my self.
    ewww


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    Ditch .

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    There was some crap that had happened with my ex-girlfriend that caused her to lose her trust in me completely. It's nothing to with anything close to cheating and quite frankly, I don't think I did anything wrong. She misinterpreted many things, was incredibly selfish/possessive, that lead to the downfall of the relationship. And now, because of these trust issues, she called me last night saying that she doesn't think she can be just friends with me, because apparently I scare her, and some other crap. Tons of drama.

    Believe me dude, tons of drama will just follow you wherever you go. Let's say she will never do what she did again and she keeps her word. Thing is, you will really never know what she's doing alone, and you'll end up becoming a selfish/possessive person and it'll consume you in such a negative way. It'll always be on the back of your mind that there is a possibility that she is still doing these things. It's definitely not worth it, so just end it.

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    She doesn't give a shit about you, dump her.

    Stay frosty.

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    doesn't look good for ya brah.
    Too much agreement kills a chat.



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    I may not be able to tell you what you should do but I can tell you what I would do. I wouldn't continue the relationship but only because I've been cheated on before and it hurts really bad so I would never take the risk again. Although if I didn't experience someone cheating on me then I would probably give her a second chance. It's a really hard decision so best of luck to you and I hope everything turns out good for you.

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    # ᴛ ʜ ᴇ ʏ ᴄ ᴀ ʟ ʟ ᴍ ᴇ ᴛ ʜ ᴇ s ᴏ ʀ ᴄ ᴇ ʀ ᴇ ʀ s ᴜ ᴘ ʀ ᴇ ᴍ ᴇ ʙ ᴇ ᴄ ᴀ ᴜ s ᴇ ɪ ' ᴍ s ᴏ s ᴛ ʀ ᴀ ɴ ɢ ᴇ.

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    From someone who has some understanding of abusive relationships and patterns, here's what I think.

    On the assumption she is an honest, good person, and not fooling with you just because it benefits her: it's very easy to fall back into the same old ugly patterns. There a lot of things that could be going on in her head and heart, such as believing you're too good for her, believing she'll always be the way she was, believing that maybe she should believe in these other guys because they're nice to her and give her positive attention (even though you're right there). There are many reasons that she could be still interacting with these guys besides intentional cheating, etc.

    Continuing on that mode of thought, the best thing you can do is put the relationship on pause and help her get the help she needs. Help her get a counselor, or a therapist, or do couple's therapy. If you believe in her, and you want her to be happy and to escape from this past, then you should offer her a chance to help herself by working through those issues with a professional that understands the patterns of abuse, self-hatred, etc.

    If you don't want to do that, or she refuses, then break it off entirely: it won't work.

    If you don't want to help her that far - not for years necessarily but just for one session! - then you clearly don't believe in her, and that's not going to change. If she doesn't want to go, she either isn't ready to change - and will be too much of a toxic burden for you - or she's playing you for a fool intentionally.

    As much as I'd encourage you to help the girl see a professional for these issues she obviously has, you have to do what's best and healthiest for you first, even if it means cutting her out of your life completely.
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    Drop her. She's probably going to cheat on you, if she hasn't already. She's going to end up being nothing but the source of pain and suffering. You'll find much, much better so do not settle for the crap that floats to the top.

    You can't have a meaningful relationship when a seed of doubt has been planted. You'll always wonder what she's doing when she's away from you. Is she cheating? Sexting? Who knows. The only way you could get through that relationship is if, for some reason, you're alright with cheating and/or you're just in it for the sex.

    Also, she's going to tell you whatever she thinks you want to hear. She wants you to believe she's the damsel in distress so you'll want to swoop down and save her. She needs to go be with that guy she really wanted to be with.

    Also, the stuff you're saying she's said is not "flirting." Telling someone you've always wanted to be with them or saying that the sex is better with them, is not flirting.

    Take a big breath and make the decision you know needs to be made. Otherwise you're just going to end up sinking into drama, hate, and sadness. You don't need that. You're not some actor in a TV drama. You're a real person who shouldn't have to put up with that and you should take the steps to make sure you don't.


    TL;DR - the relationship is broken and will never be repaired - maybe if you had been together for years and years, but not when it's this early. She'll end up doing it again, or maybe taking it further, because she thinks she can get away with it by just apologizing.


    Edit: What I said was a bit to coarse, go read MissyS' post.
    Last edited by ApocaRUFF; 08-27-2014 at 10:17 PM.
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    Speaking from experience.
    I was basically a stable non-douche rebound. Not what she really wanted.
    If you continue you are most likely looking at a ton of drama and being strung along all while knowing you are her 2nd-3rd choice.

    I would drop her now.

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    I like a lot of what MissyS said, but I can't get past those texts that she sent. It sounds like she's using you, although not in a malicious way; maybe she's finally been able to get in a place where she's happier, and you're giving it to her. However, she obviously has no intention of staying loyal to you and the relationship should be cut.

    She's just a person that needs help, but I don't think she's that into you.

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    "People accept the love they think they deserve"

    After so much abuse, her self-esteem and self-image might be damaged. Unless she receive the help that she needs, not much is going to change.

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    Humpty-dump her immediately.

    People are replaceable, and this kinda person more so than usual.
    No point in trying to salvage this. You are not responsible for other people's mental health issues (unless you caused them to begin with),
    and based on the things you related from her texts suggests that she want to have her cake and eat it too. People like that don't deserve your time, nor your suffering.
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    What she did completely contradicts the label "sweetest thing on the planet." If she intended to cheat on you and flirts with other guys, she is not sweet. She is disloyal, irresponsible, and perhaps manipulative.

    Does she have a job? The answer to this question could open-up a broad spectrum of reasons why she's with you. However, that would be all speculation, and I don't want to give advice about ending your relationship without definitive information.

    That said, I will give you advice solely on the evidence that she implied a sex meet-up via text to another person.

    You should dump her.

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    this is who yr talking to when you ask onrpg for help with anything, guy


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    Don't confuse the infatuation stage of an relationship with love. Takes a lot longer than a month.

    If you want to get even, then do this.

    Women need closure. They can't ever get over you without it.

    Try your hardest with her, give her love and honesty for about a month. Make it seem like you're that guy who wants to make things work, that you're different, and you can change her. Then, when you feel you've done enough, fade away, don't argue, don't say goodbye, do nothing but disappear.

    She'll be shelved for you for a very long time cause she never got closure when you faded away.

    Then when you feel the time is necessary, drop in every now and then with a text, rinse and repeat.
    Last edited by TreyTrey12; 09-01-2014 at 04:41 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by TreyTrey12 View Post
    Don't confuse the infatuation stage of an relationship with love. Takes a lot longer than a month.

    If you want to get even, then do this.

    Women need closure. They can't ever get over you without it.

    Try your hardest with her, give her love and honesty for about a month. Make it seem like you're that guy who wants to make things work, that you're different, and you can change her. Then, when you feel you've done enough, fade away, don't argue, don't say goodbye, do nothing but disappear.

    She'll be shelved for you for a very long time cause she never got closure when you faded away.

    Then when you feel the time is necessary, drop in every now and then with a text, rinse and repeat.
    That's so douchey. Don't take this advice. Just be honest with her, don't try to get revenge.

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    Quote Originally Posted by TreyTrey12 View Post
    Don't confuse the infatuation stage of an relationship with love. Takes a lot longer than a month.

    If you want to get even, then do this.

    Women need closure. They can't ever get over you without it.

    Try your hardest with her, give her love and honesty for about a month. Make it seem like you're that guy who wants to make things work, that you're different, and you can change her. Then, when you feel you've done enough, fade away, don't argue, don't say goodbye, do nothing but disappear.

    She'll be shelved for you for a very long time cause she never got closure when you faded away.

    Then when you feel the time is necessary, drop in every now and then with a text, rinse and repeat.
    lol yeah bro. chicks are so dumb, right

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by TuxedoSam View Post
    That's so douchey. Don't take this advice. Just be honest with her, don't try to get revenge.
    It's not revenge.

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