Last round! Just general commentary. Beginning with "As" while later using "as if" is a bit much. Also, there was some verb confusion, going from "ed" to "ing" and using "had" in a present-past moment (that is, everything is taking place in the past, but at the moment, Draf was staring at his handiwork instead of having had already stared at his handiwork). Meh, you're doing a good job. Really, it's a pain to go too much into grammar. Even I make such simple mistakes. Most of my comments were based off of what my own professors told me. xD Hey, lookie, you now have 3 new VMS. :3
Hm, I did notice something in the very beginning: "The knife was out of the table,..." I think you wanted to say: "The knife was almost out of the table." Also, I think these sentences could have been structured differently. Instead of: "As Dref had stared at his handiwork and explaining one of the properties of moon metal as if Andrim wasn’t fully aware of it Andrim had walked over to the workbench. Unfastening the hinges on the dagger as the smith talked..." Try: "Dref stared at his handiwork and explained one of the properties of moon metal as if Andrim wasn’t fully aware of it. Andrim had walked over to the workbench, unfastening the hinges on the dagger as the smith talked." *Too lazy to shorten my comments...*
Hi, Befram! Sorry for the (very) late reply! :O ...! Oh my, your last comment was Xeno's announcement that ToA was being stickied?! I should harass -- I mean, comment on your VMs more often! Actually, the whole mafia should send you more VMs. :O Yeah, sorry, I find it too hard to "clean out" my PMs. Too many memories, not enough space. :/ Hm, constructive criticism. Sure, I can give it a try! I'll start with your latest post in ToA. Continued...
Heh, turned out that wasn't my first message here after all, funny that. It was my, well a number after one, I know that much for sure.
Heya Lokuri^^ I reckon this is my first time posting a message here, and how long have we rped together. One, two years? Somewhere inbetween I believe. Oh well no matter I suppose, not why I came here. Here for a favor actually, would have posted a private message but, well you know, the box being full and all I ask here instead Now what is it I want to ask? Constructive criticism to put it bluntly. If there are any obvious flaws in my previous/future posts that you see I would really appreciate if you told me so I can fix them in the future, believe this would help my future posts greatly. Doesn't have to be any big flaws, any little thing that annoys you can tell me about, be as harsh as you like That being said, if you don't feel like doing it then by all means don't. I been asking some of the other members of the mafia to help me with this too^^ Well, that's all I came here to say, sooooooo... Befram out.
Yay! That makes me happy. I thought you abandoned it. xD It's okay if you don't post much with a visitor message. You say what needs to be said and then *done*. It's actually not the best place for extended conversation... Anyway, can't wait for your post.
No no, I'm just a very slow person and I planned on posting today so relax^^ Well yeah, first time posting here so wondering if I should say something else,,,, ehm. Ok I got nothing, byebye
I saw you post recently, so I was wondering if you gave up on "Happy Home". Please tell me you didn't.
Judging from your comment this will probably not make you feel better, but it sure makes me feeling better. It snows!! today there has almost been no snow at all but now there's quite a lot of snow outside, and it keeps snowing, that was all, now I can sleep with a comfy satisfied feeling:3. (Not because it doesn't snow at your place but because it finally does it here.)
That's unfair. The most snow we got was snowflakes tumbling from the sky before sinking into the ground like wet drops of rain. Not only that, but it was cold enough for frost and snow to get on the car, but not enough to actually stick to the ground. Then when there could have been enough snow to reach a few feet, the weather was so warm that it came out as rain, rather than snow.
