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^ first thing in this thread for a good while to make me smile.
Finally in 6 years somebody explained in short and simple mtter what 2012 holds for us.
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Old but some damn funny :D
Can't get enough of this.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
SPOILER
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called -- I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
SPOILER
-----------------------------------------------------------
A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their panties, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That's about 250 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.
"No, sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."
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When you see it.
DiCaprio ily-ely~~
*These quotes are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts",
and are things people _actually said in court _, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. .*
*_________________________________________________ ___________________*
*ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?*
*WITNESS **: Yes.*
*ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?*
*WITNESS **: I forget.*
*ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?***
*_________________________________________________ __________________*
*ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"*
*WITNESS **: Did you actually pass the bar exam?***
*_________________________________________________ ___________________*
*ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?*
*WITNESS **: He's twenty, much like your IQ.*
*_________________________________________________ _____________**______*
*ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?*
*WITNESS **: Are you ****ting me?***
*_________________________________________________ ___________________*
*ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?*
*WITNESS **: Yes.*
**
*ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?*
**
*WITNESS **: Getting laid!!*
*_________________________________________________ __________________*
*ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?*
**
*WITNESS **: Yes..*
**
*ATTORNEY: How many were boys?*
**
*WITNESS **: None.*
**
*ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?*
**
*WITNESS **: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?*
*_________________________________________________ _________________*
*ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?*
**
*WITNESS **: By death.*
**
*ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?*
**
*WITNESS **: Take a guess.***
*_________________________________________________ ________________*
*ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?*
**
*WITNESS **: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.*
**
*ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?*
**
*WITNESS **: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.***
*_________________________________________________ ________________*
*ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?*
**
*WITNESS **: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.*
*_________________________________________________ ________________*
*ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?What school did you go to?*
**
*WITNESS **: Oral.*
*_________________________________________________ _________________*
*ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?*
**
*WITNESS **: The autopsy started around 830 p.m.*
**
*ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?*
**
*WITNESS **: If not, he was by the time I finished.***
*_________________________________________________ ________________*
*ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?*
**
*WITNESS **: Are you qualified to ask that question?***
*_________________________________________________ ________________*
*And the best for last:*
**
*ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?*
**
*WITNESS **: **No.***
**
*ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?*
**
*WITNESS **: **No.***
**
*ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?*>
**
*WITNESS **: **No.***
**
*ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?*
**
*WITNESS **: **No.***
**
*ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?*
**
*WITNESS **: **Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar**.*
**
*ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?*
**
*WITNESS **: **Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.*
I got told
BEWARE!
I used to beware but then I took an arrow to the Head yea I gotcha :3