Joke Thread

[Hippopotamus]

I didn't know if there was one of these, I thought there was but.... post your jokes!

I found this in my 'Joke of the Day' email. Thought it was pretty funny.



A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM ****NFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

[zamwini]

Haha, i heard that joke before.
Here is one-
One day a little girl came running up to her mom with 5 dollars in her hands. When her mom asked where she got the 5 dollars, the little girl said "Johnny paid me 5 dollars to do a cartwheel while he was up in the tree" Her mother sighed, and said "Hes only trying to see your panties. Don't do it again."
The next day, the little girl comes running to her mom with another 5 dollars in her hands. Her mother says "Oh no, You didn't do a cartwheel for johnny again, did you?" so her daughter says "I did, but this time I tricked him. I wasn't wearing any panties."

[TheRequiem]

What do 2 injured cats say to each other?
Me-owch.





One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and **********d into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[lilaznboi12]

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

[hyarume]

Translation might ruin it but ill try

A little boy named John, is in the class in school, today they are doing riddle's. Finally its John's turn. John walks up to the front of the class and says " its slack and there's a drop hanging on it "
The teacher immediately sends John back to home, and his father was pretty pissed about what he said, so John had to go to bed, immediately.

John sighed and mumbled.

" All this mess because of a tea-bag "

[kaw4ii3]

Okay I bet u heard dis joke b4 but hear its goes


3 guys were camping when a bear comes and is planning to eat dem
the bear made a deal with them and said if u can shove any fruit up ur ass and dont move a bit i wont eat u

so the 3 guys ran out 2 the forest and got a fruit or their own

the 1st guy has an apple and shives it in but he flinches so the bear ate him

the 2nd guy has grapes when he shoved in in he started laughing so bear ate him

they both went 2 heaven

the 1st guys so ran 2nd guy and asks him why did u laugh the 2nd guys says i saw the 3rd guy with pine cones

[hobosexual]

Okay I bet u heard dis joke b4 but hear its goes


3 guys were camping when a bear comes and is planning to eat dem
the bear made a deal with them and said if u can shove any fruit up ur ass and dont move a bit i wont eat u

so the 3 guys ran out 2 the forest and got a fruit or their own

the 1st guy has an apple and shives it in but he flinches so the bear ate him

the 2nd guy has grapes when he shoved in in he started laughing so bear ate him

they both went 2 heaven

the 1st guys so ran 2nd guy and asks him why did u laugh the 2nd guys says i saw the 3rd guy with pine cones

I've heard it told many times in many different ways but I don't think I've ever heard it told so poorly.

I mean it's not that funny in the first place but you just took it to a new level of fail.

[Pipster]

Okay I bet u heard dis joke b4 but hear its goes


3 guys were camping when a bear comes and is planning to eat dem
the bear made a deal with them and said if u can shove any fruit up ur ass and dont move a bit i wont eat u

so the 3 guys ran out 2 the forest and got a fruit or their own

the 1st guy has an apple and shives it in but he flinches so the bear ate him

the 2nd guy has grapes when he shoved in in he started laughing so bear ate him

they both went 2 heaven

the 1st guys so ran 2nd guy and asks him why did u laugh the 2nd guys says i saw the 3rd guy with pine cones

It's actually more like this:

Three guys get stranded on this tropical island, see... Eventually they come across a tribe, but they arn't just any tribe, they're cannibals.

After much talking they finally get to meet the chief(the only one who could speak English) and he explained to them that if they manage to stick ten fruits up their bum without pausing for anything, they will be spared, if they fail, they will be tossed into a pot of boiling water and be eaten for dinner that night. So they all head off into the forest, looking for the best fruit.

The first guy gets bananas but barely manages to fit one in before he gives up, he gets tossed into the pot of boiling water.

The second guy gets some grapes, and he immediately starts popping them in like crazy, doing it with ease... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 at the 8th he suddenly pauses and begins to laugh like crazy, he gets tossed into the pot of boiling water.

Both of the two guys meet in heaven, and the first guy says "Dude! Why'd you laugh? You almost had it there!" and the second guy responds "I saw the third guy come with...with PINEAPPLES!" and he begins to break into laughter again.