Poem.

[sKin]

Moving on.



=]

[Pok]

Is this poem about rum? It sounds like you found rum in a cave.

[saturn1234]

No offense but this seems like the opening or trailer for Kingdom Hearts 3 or something. It is a little bit too vague to mean anything to anyone but the person who wrote it. But it is difficult to critique poetry because it can mean different things to different people.

I dont really think it would make a good song. Maybe if you did some kind of animation with flash so that people could understand what you are talking about and why. It would let you show more emotion.

What exactly is the light supposed to be or mean? I thought about it for a while but i dont really understand it.

[Gaika]

I'm going to be critical.



Your poem sounds like some depressed kid is talking to himself.
Preferably, an emo kid.

I can see something like this as lyrics, but as a poem, unless you read it with varying levels of tone, then I can't see this.



Well, I shouldn't be one to talk.
I fell for the poetry.com facade after all.

Why does everything have to be about EMO KIDS.
Jeez, it could be anyone, even some "jock" who's just really confined.

[sKin]

No offense but this seems like the opening or trailer for Kingdom Hearts 3 or something. It is a little bit too vague to mean anything to anyone but the person who wrote it. But it is difficult to critique poetry because it can mean different things to different people.

I dont really think it would make a good song. Maybe if you did some kind of animation with flash so that people could understand what you are talking about and why. It would let you show more emotion.

What exactly is the light supposed to be or mean? I thought about it for a while but i dont really understand it.

Well I was hoping people would interpret it for themselves; but here's what I guess I meant while writing.

The Narrator of the poem wants somebody to love. Simple as that. It's human nature to want, for lack of better terminology, to feel loved - and those of you who have had girlfriend/boyfriend relationships (like I've had) and have been through the "ups and downs" - that is what I'm getting at. I'm also aiming it at people who say, loved someone but they didn't love them back. Or a person that had a crush on someone but was too afraid to admit it to that said someone. It creates a void (emptiness) in that person, and I know because I feel it now.

Second; the Cave represents the Narrator's lack of action. He feels so stuck in his "self pity and despair" that he does nothing to even try and better how he feels. Essentially he's a prisoner of himself, like being stuck in a cave that he can't get out of. The light represents many things, most specifically an epiphany. He realizes for the first time that staying in his cave is both a waste of time and ultimately worthless, because he's only drifting further away from being happy. The light breaks down the cave, and for the first time he sees the night sky (or the world) for what it is. And it is then he realizes it's up to him, a plain old human being, to find happiness with in himself all along. Almost as if he's rising up from his ashes. It's also a showcase of the human spirit; that even in our lowest points we'll still rise up and face whatever it is that's oppressing us, regardless of their overwhelming power.

Anyways. I remember hating poetry when I was younger, now, several years later, it amazes me at how much only a few words can really showcase to the reader a grander story. Rather than reading it, being "childish" and calling it "emo", give it a try yourself. It's liberating.

[Ronin]

I yawned at yarn already.

No off, but it's just really amateurish.

What makes you think it's exceptional?
How does it create something special that surprises and touches people?

How you set it up is nearly prosaic and bland in the way it's unstructured.

[saturn1234]

Well I was hoping people would interpret it for themselves; but here's what I guess I meant while writing.

The Narrator of the poem wants somebody to love. Simple as that. It's human nature to want, for lack of better terminology, to feel loved - and those of you who have had girlfriend/boyfriend relationships (like I've had) and have been through the "ups and downs" - that is what I'm getting at. I'm also aiming it at people who say, loved someone but they didn't love them back. Or a person that had a crush on someone but was too afraid to admit it to that said someone. It creates a void (emptiness) in that person, and I know because I feel it now.

Second; the Cave represents the Narrator's lack of action. He feels so stuck in his "self pity and despair" that he does nothing to even try and better how he feels. Essentially he's a prisoner of himself, like being stuck in a cave that he can't get out of. The light represents many things, most specifically an epiphany. He realizes for the first time that staying in his cave is both a waste of time and ultimately worthless, because he's only drifting further away from being happy. The light breaks down the cave, and for the first time he sees the night sky (or the world) for what it is. And it is then he realizes it's up to him, a plain old human being, to find happiness with in himself all along. Almost as if he's rising up from his ashes. It's also a showcase of the human spirit; that even in our lowest points we'll still rise up and face whatever it is that's oppressing us, regardless of their overwhelming power.

Anyways. I remember hating poetry when I was younger, now, several years later, it amazes me at how much only a few words can really showcase to the reader a grander story. Rather than reading it, being "childish" and calling it "emo", give it a try yourself. It's liberating.

I am actually a big fan of poetry, but I think it should be something more personal. It is one thing to include symbolism and create emotion, but overall you want your message to be alot more clear.

The way I initially interpreted the light was that he saw someone that gave him hope to love again. Or hope that he wouldnt be lonely because he saw someone.
I actually liked that part of the poem the most for that reason, because I really believe that there isnt just one person out there for everyone, like alot of people seem to think and it makes them depressed. I also think that you can never truly get over loving someone like an ex until you fall in love again.

And I was not saying your poem is bad with my other post, but I think it could be really great if you worked on it a bit more.

[sKin]

Ah there we go, that's the criticism I was looking for.

No off, but it's just really amateurish.

I am an amateur, lol. I've never taken a creative writing class or anything of the sort; but if anything, it just shows that I need to work on it. And you know, now I feel kinda bad for all the poets I critiqued harshly in the past. It is incredibly hard to put your work out there in the open for other people to bash on, but I guess it has to be done. How else am I going to get better?

And I was not saying your poem is bad with my other post, but I think it could be really great if you worked on it a bit more.

Will do. I have another - I don't want to call it poem but I guess it kinda is - in the works.

Thanks for the comments thus far.

[Ronin]

Ah there we go, that's the criticism I was looking for.

Seriously, you need structure;
That was the core essence of what I said.

If you can not make it better in free form, than with some kindergarten rhyme (they can make ear-worms with the stupidest meaning), you should drop free from poetry and get a grasp of the matter first.

You could do better than that without a 20 year long trial and error and just a little of preparation.

You can't be better than a "plain old poem" before you understand what it is and how it works, it's just going to end up pompous.

[Xenonight2]

Can I ask where the actual poem is?

[xSoulEx]

Can I ask where the actual poem is?

That's harsh :./

[Xenonight2]

That's harsh :./

No, I'm actually asking where the poem is.

I'm looking at the OP, and all I see is "Moving on."

Is that the poem?

[xSoulEx]

O, sorry didnt realize he took it off. It was up like an hour ago I think he deleted it cause it was getting criticized too much.

[Xenonight2]

Skin, would you mind putting the poem back up? It defeats the purpose of the topic when the title is "Poem" and then taking the poem down.

I'd appreciate it if you would put it back up. I don't want to end the discussion on the poem, but pointless topics are against the rules.