Quote Originally Posted by Xenonight2 View Post
It was sunset. Tarem stepped off his boat, the Shadow of the Clouds, onto the docks of the city. Behind him, the boat was enveloped in the crimson of the sunset, marooned in color if not in fact.
confusing and doesn't add anything
word sunset used twice? Why?
Some things written are redundant. Only let those things remain that build the story. After that flesh them out or add meat, if required. Otherwise you have no control of how lean or baroque the story reads (and you also have repetition, which is just a dry chore to read).

I have one remark, really. Everything is very descriptive. "The market was bare" for example. Add live by making it an active situation, let people do stuff.
(I gather now that the city is probably in ruins or something... It basically looks like you intended to let that be a mystery, but you never got around to pull the blanket of it, which confuses me, since we are stuck "up close" with the protagonists, so it should be crystal clear.)
Something similar is going on with the warrior armor thing; You don't say what it's made of at first, but you say it's inlaid. When we are able to gather that information, we should be physically able to know what it's made of in entirety. Delaying that just leaves a question mark in the readers head and it is kind-of a cheap trick. Makes you think when is he going to take a sip of the bottle and a paragraph later it will be revealed to have been beer. The next thing is they pass a well and 3 sentences later it was an oil well. Finally they see a herd of dead livestock but shortly after we find out it's sheep.

Finally at this day and age, any sort of fiction that features undead as a major item just tells me that the writer has no restraint and puts no value on uniqueness.

tltr:
This needs more work and be less confusing.