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    Marineking's Minion Reputation: 35
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    Default Dark Nights of Dagar - Prelude Rough Draft

    The night was cold and Gartha, the red moon of Dagar, shown bright in the sky casting a reddish tint to the surrounding brush. Atin drew his long traveler’s cloak tighter around himself and thought wistfully of the days before the return of Nethfasa, the Goddess of Evil. Before her demonic armies began roaming the lands, nights were warm and roads were safe. Atin had been able to take the main roads to his destinations instead of crawling around in the underbrush. He dismissed these dismal thoughts from his mind, angry with himself for losing his concentration. Sneaking past the night guards would be hard enough with his full attention.

    Thorns from a small thistle stuck him through his cloak and imbed themselves in Atin’s arm. Silently, the old dwarf cursed. Resisting the urge to turn over onto his back and remove the thorns, Atin crawled on. The city of Paladine was his destination and he must reach it in haste. The town militia must be informed of the approach of Nethfasa’s army.

    Atin’s heart leapt out of his stomach and into his throat as he felt a firm grip on his neck. The hand lifted him up off of his knees and into the air. Slowly, he was turned around to face his captor. The black eyes of a demon were all that Atin could see from under the thing’s cloak.

    “Not today,” it growled.

    Atin lay dying. The demon had eaten his limbs and left him to bleed to death. His last thoughts were “Paladine is doomed. Its final hope is a damned Halfling.”


    This is the prelude to the story. Atin is a dwarf who is given the information that the city of Paladine (A reference to the DragonLance books. Probably will be changed.) I will definatley be extending this and changing some things but overall this is the general idea of the prelude.

  2. #2
    SuperKenshin's Servent Reputation: 13

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    It's not a bad start. Interesting, and makes me want more.

    Hoever, although my opinion might not stand for much in your eyes, I'd still like to say that the story is a bit gloomy. You might want to expand on the setting a bit more, and in the 1st paragraph I think it's a bit weird having you explain many names and a brief description.

    Maybe you could try and explain the plot better, so that the reader would have a better visual about what is happening.

    Still, it's a great start and I hope this will end up a great story.

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    Marineking's Minion Reputation: 35
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    Thanks, Endless. This is meant to be a relatively vague preview to the story. I plan on elaborating more on the death of Atin (thats just freakin' sweet) and just adding more to his journey. I will be posting Chapter 1 when I have finished it. I will take your advice and work a little on paragraph 1 though. Thanks again.

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    Kichi Abukara's Avatar
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    It's pretty good, there were a few errors here and there, (Shown instead of Shone) but the rest was enjoyable to read.

    Can't wait for chapter one! ^^

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