[Astro Needs Help] Honest Opinion

[Astro]

So I need your honest opinion on this poem I've made for my loved one.
So please, only constructive criticism. If you feel like acting like an headless moron, hit the back button on your browser. Thank you.

Special One

My thoughts are made of paper and paint
And my feelings of iron and wood.
You'll never see my heart faint,
Because you are too perfect,
More beautiful than anyone should.

Simple things are what they are,
Complicated things are meant to be.
You're prettier than the most beautiful star,
And all I really need is you to love me.

Insistently a breeze runs around my head,
Warm and friendly it makes me shiver.
You're definitly the one they said,
The Special one that makes me quiver.

F.M.

[Negrac]

poetry cant be bad, but that could be far better. good none the less.

[Astro]

poetry cant be bad, but that could be far better. good none the less.

Thanks Negrac.

[Aru]

I think it's terrible, but...
I also think that poetry should stay in 1842, so...

[Mr. First Name Basis]

Love poetry and couplets do not mix. ABAB rhyme scheme is most oftenly used for funny poems, and children's poems. Try something like ABBAB or AABAB or AABBA or ABACA or ABBAC (try to make the last C flow with the next stanza)

[NekoAdz]

Im being honest, I just dont like it.

It just seems so 'fake' and done, I dont mean to offend but it really does seem like every other Poem out there, and IMHO poetry should have a different meaning for every person

[Deimos]

Love poetry and couplets do not mix. ABAB rhyme scheme is most oftenly used for funny poems, and children's poems. Try something like ABBAB or AABAB or AABBA or ABACA or ABBAC (try to make the last C flow with the next stanza)

yeah, thats what i thought. I did english lang and lit for A level so i know this stuff ...probably . ABAB is just too monotonous for what you are trying to write. thats purely my opinion on the technical side....

Im being honest, I just dont like it.

It just seems so 'fake' and done, I dont mean to offend but it really does seem like every other Poem out there, and IMHO poetry should have a different meaning for every person

as for the lyrics i agree with this. but then ive never written or tried to write meaningful poetry before so i dont know how much my advice is worth here.

[Xenonight2]

A warm breeze makes you shiver? That makes no sense.

And the "you're too perfect" makes you seem ungrateful.

I don't think it's very good.

[Xynh]

[QUOTE=Xenonight2;721059And the "you're too perfect" makes you seem ungrateful.[/QUOTE]

Agreed. How can you be anymore perfect, than perfect, anyway?

[TheRequiem]

You know..hes giving it to his love, not an editor.
This sounds like a E-Poetry-Class

[Astro]

You know..hes giving it to his love, not an editor.

Exactly.

I already have a book waiting for editing. This was just spontaneous writing and I'm well aware there are many flaws. Also keep in mind that english is not my mother language.

I do appreciate all comments tough. Thank you.

Omg, why wasn't I told of this earlier Flavy!

I loves it, I think its good, it's your own style.

Thank you my dear Eva. (: