Russian Fear Creates Rival to Pokémon Go

Know Moscow

As all the world knows, Pokémon Go was created as a spy network for other nations. Niantic is involved in a seedy plot with the CIA to create a network where we instantly have knowledge of the inner workings of all walks of life. It’s insidious, and Russia was not at all fooled by it. Russian policy makers are horrified, and there’s a real chance that it is banned, or at least prohibited near any military or political building. They don’t want those sneaky Pocket Monsters to spill the beans on anything important. You know how they are. Pokémon Go is said to have dreadful psychological effects on its users, sending them spiraling into a world of madness and greed. You know, the American Way. Russia can’t have that. So what’s the solution?

Know. Moscow. You heard me right. Know Moscow will be similar in many ways. You run around Russia, and perhaps some of the other outlying states that Russia used to own, and instead of gathering up Pikachu, Gengar, and Machoke, you get Ivan the Terrible, Peter the Great, and probably Vladimir Putin. Doesn’t seem that there will be any battling, from what my research has dug up. That makes me sad, and makes me not want to go through the trouble of getting a second phone or some kind of hacked .apk to play Know Moscow. The best part about this? It is being produced by Moscow City Hall. This is a thing that will happen. I wish I were making it up and I hope it’s just some elaborate ruse by the Internet at large. This is up there with an Imam declaring that Pokémon was a “Zionist Plot”. It’s very likely that Russians who are hacking and gaining an .apk to play the game will be jailed if caught. I wish this were a thing that I could joke about, but even I can’t make this shit up.

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