The Bottom Tier News Entertainment System has some breaking news that you won’t want to miss! The next potentially insanely competitive game, Heroes Evolved has revealed the current cast! And what would we be if not your intellectual savior to give you who they are and what they look like? Fear not, we have you covered. I spent the past day or so going through the entire cast and picking out what I think are the best and brightest of them and laying them out for you right here. Here are the twelve most mighty, powerful and interesting of Heroes Evolved. We’ll call them, “Ragachak’s Dirty Dozen”. This is the “Official Heroes Evolved Lore”:
1. Interstellar Warlord, Gandalf of the Stars: Simply defeating the forces of Orcs and Man were not enough for Gandalf. Post Return of the King Gandlaf took to the stars to conquer foes beyond Middle Earth, bringing the values and tabac of the Shire to extraterrestrial forces. Now, he resides among the champions in Heroes Evolved, armed with his cape that constantly swirls with the stars, and the staff he wrested from the dead body of Saruman.
2. Charles Bark-Ley, Master of the Blacktop: The life of a tree is normally a peaceful existence, with their only real fear being lumberjacks and squirrels. However, a magical teakettle spilled a glorious liquid onto this particular one, giving it sentience. The kettle is conveniently round and made of a nigh-indestructible rubber, which he uses to bounce against his foes, dunking them and also dousing them in forever-hot tea.
3: The Shockmaster, Cyber-Zeus: Created by fellow Heroes Evolved character Dr. Madd [Oh, we’ll get to him], he decided that Gods are boring. Kidnapping Zeus with the bait of buxom, beautiful women, he would force the God to undergo horrific experiments. The God of Olympus was no more. Now there is only “The Shockmaster, Cyber-Zeus”.
4. Penny from Crayon Shin-Chan: Penny is well known for her issues with rage, and what better way than to escape her horrific, violent family and take it out on other people. But she can’t just show up and fight! There are very specific rules about first graders being allowed in combat. So, she dressed as a cute giraffe to blend in with the already peculiar champions.
5. Wielder of the Magic Bag, Felix the Cat: Being a cute black cat with a magical bag was wildly popular in the early 1900s. But times have changed; in 1919 it was fine to be a cute animated cat, but now violence and gore is more popular. He took to the gym and began to take the shape of his idol, the Assassin known as “Rengar”. With mounds of muscle, Felix swapped out his magical bag of holding for a pair of fierce claws with which to rend anyone who makes fun of his younger days.
6. Super Fighting Robot, Penguman: An adorable penguin was given new life as the immortal killing machine, Penguman. Armed with a pair of laser blasters affixed to his wings, along with a cannon upon his forehead, his former life of happiness and joy are gone. There is only combat, and only death for his enemies. Nobody knows what the “Q” upon his chest stands for. Anyone who asks, all that remains is a smoldering crater.
7. King of Irony, Nosferatu: In a traditional sense, the Nosferatu are hideous, horrific beasts, and cause vomit, migraines, and sheer terror. The King of the Nosferatu lives a life of shame, and hides this with magic and enchantment, powerful enough to hide even the most galling of appearances. Now he looks like every other man that exists within the walls of the Heroes Tournament.
8. Dr. Madd, Lone Techno Goblin: Dr. Einstein Albus Nicholas Madd is an anomaly amongst other Goblins: He was born with a metal face and blonde hair, which marks an ill-omen amonst the Goblin society. Cast out, he was saved from death by a humongous radiation rifle that fell from the overworld he longed to be a part of. It turns out, Dr. Madd is somewhat of a genius and is responsible for many of the warriors in this tournaments present appearance.
9. Shoujo Heavy Arms Custom: It’s a common practice these days to take inanimate object and turn them into magical girls. Why? Because Japan. The world of Heroes Evolved is no exception, and so the Mobile Suit Gundam Wing Heavy Arms custom has come to life, been given a female form, and got to keep its massive guns to destroy its foes! It is a real mystery what brought the fabled Mobile Suit to life, and she appears to have no personality of which to speak of. Only bullets.
10. Rule 63 Thresh: Alternate universes and realities are such an interesting proposition. Somehow, the Warden known as Thresh has an alternate form thanks to the 63rd Commandment: For every gendered character, there shalt be an equal but opposite gendered character. But Femme-Thresh does not exist on the Summoner’s Rift, but instead, the battleground for Heroes Evolved. She is the epitome of evolution, using a staff with a lantern instead of the obsolete hook.
11. The Island: He is known simply as “The Island”. A curious amalgamation of sea creatures and magical insects, The Island took to piracy, commanding an immense Dragon Turtle, which is how he got his name. He is not in the tournament for pride, honor or respect. There’s booty to be plundered, and he aims to do it.
12. The Furor of Fire, The Edgiest of Underlords, Ghost Rider Hades: Yes, you must use the entire title everytime you speak to him. You have to say the whole thing, everytime. Once Cyber-Zeus was unveiled, Hades refused to be outdone. He consulted with his High Priest, xXShadowKiller666Xx who revealed a ritual that would give the God of Death a new form: Ghost Rider Hades.