For those of you who don’t know me personally [which is a lot of you], I’m Jason, or Ragachak, whichever you might see on your screen. I do Twitch Streams and Co-Produce videos and create content for a YouTube channel as well as work here, and on MMOHuts.com. And I love it; don’t get me wrong, this is the job I’ve always wanted to have. Though I graduated college considerably late in life [30s], I still struggle with the whole “Post-Graduation Depression” shtick. Because now I have time: Time to work a lot more than I ever had. I have the ability to write about whatever crosses my mind and publish it, a freedom many people don’t have. I have the time to play more games than I have ever before! I have so many days where I sit around and fucking do nothing. So much time just watching YouTube. I have so many games on my bucket list to finish or even start! Another EarthBound playthrough, finish Bravely Second, play Metal Gear Solid V, Tales of Symphonia, Wolfenstein: The New Order, TMNT: Mutants in Manhattan. I need to finish Undertale, and finish my 100% run of FFX-2. Instead? I watched YouTube, did some work and played two games of League of Legends. I start my day with Yoga, and exercise, but I finish my day just slumped in a chair frowning at my screen.
Many have said that depression isn’t a real illness, because you can’t physically see it. That’s a lot of bullshit. That crippling self-doubt that hangs overhead like a cloud, with thoughts like, “Why are you wasting your time playing Final Fantasy X? Don’t you have something more important to do?” and the answer is “No”, I really don’t. Playing games, keeping up with what’s interesting or cool is part-and-parcel to what I do. And I have to manage social/family obligations, be entertaining on camera, pretty much all day. There is never a time when I think, “I hate my job”, because I don’t. But it can be incredibly hard to focus on finding something to write about, despite having a billion ideas. That depression floats in again and cackles, informing you that every idea you have is just shit. Why would anyone want to know what I think about 80s games, or 90s classic RPGs? I can’t help it; it possesses a lot of my thoughts throughout the day. Post-Graduation Depression makes everything I do feel dull, listless, and not worth doing. Normally a person with infinite patience, I find myself snapping at people that frankly, don’t deserve it.
I’m not the only person who feels this way; I know I’m not. But it in no way changes how I feel. I however, am very fortunate to have a job I love doing, and people in my life that understand how vexing it can be. Sure there are other places that have better “Metrics”, but they don’t love what they do. I just wanted other people to know that battle a variety of social anxieties, depression, or other tough times, that they are not alone. Gaming is supposed to be one of my outlets, where I can immerse myself in a story and find solace. But Post-Graduation Depression colors everything a shade of gray. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone, and I hope you, as readers know the same thing. If I’m feeling that crippling doubt lingering near, I can go to one of my co-workers, my bosses or close friends, and that can do a world of good. The big takeaway friends, whether I know you or not: You are not alone. I’ve had people on Smite who follow the stream come to me and just need someone to listen: I never mind giving them a proverbial ear. Whether it’s on Twitter, YouTube, whatever, You are not alone.
What do you guys play or do to combat that kind of social anxiety? Me, I delve into deep RPGs, or ludicrous action titles.
